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The Charge Clearing Process

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Have you ever had a conflict with someone and been unable to resolve it? “Clearing a charge” is an important part of the

Courageous Candor process and can help you work through challenging issues.

What is a “Charge”?

A charge is energy you are holding. It will often have a distinct feeling for you — maybe a burning sensation in your chest, for example, or tightness in your throat. If you’ve ever had conflict with someone and thought “I just can’t get through to that person” while feeling increasingly frustrated, that is a charge building inside of you.

While you might feel that a charge is building inside you because of someone else, the reality is that it’s you holding that energy, and only you can release it.

💡Do you often think about what someone else should be doing differently? Learn about theStages of Awareness

Why “Clear” a Charge?

Think of the process of clearing a charge as a way to reset yourself. Learning how to clear a charge is a skill that will keep a reaction from building up inside of you. When you can release stress from your system, you can better deal with future stressors that will inevitably come your way. If you don’t clear charges, you’ll get overwhelmed by stresses in your life and will become unable to deal with them (or yourself) effectively.

Learn How to Clear a Charge:

Clearing a charge with the person you’re holding it towards is a simple but powerful process. When you’re done, you should feel a sense of relief, like the energy you’ve been holding has washed away.


💡You’ll notice the first step of this process is the same as the On Giving and Receiving Effective Feedback to your CEO, Execs, Manager, Peers, and Direct Reports . That’s not by accident! Asking permission around timing gives the other person agency and sets you up for success with them.
💡Clearing a charge is a two-person process — both of you should know it and be up for following the steps. This isn't a normal conversation, which easily devolves into argument; it's a framework that makes space for connection. If you're the one someone is clearing a charge with and you start to get activated, pause the process until you can ground yourself. If you can't get back to neutral in the moment, agree on a time to return to the process.

Here’s the process:

  1. Ask permission: I have a charge I’d like to clear with you, is now a good time?
  2. If “yes”, then proceed.
  3. If “no” then agree on another time when you’ll revisit it together.
  4. Share the data: What is the data you observed that is causing a charge to build in you? The data will be factual and non-emotional. Don't talk about generalities — you'll want to be as specific as possible.
  5. It might look something like Last night, when we were out together, I heard you say [XYZ]
  6. Example for the sake of it: …that you don't think we have a chance
  7. Use "I statements" as per On Giving and Receiving Effective Feedback to your CEO, Execs, Manager, Peers, and Direct Reports
  8. The person you're clearing the charge with — let's call them the receiver — repeats this back to you, echoing as close to word-for-word as possible as per The Active Listening Framework
  9. Share your feelings: The next part of the sentence is the impact on you.
  10. To continue our example, you might say I felt [sad and confused]
  11. Look for feelings associated with unmet needs: https://go.Storytell.ai/needs
  12. The receiver repeats what you’re saying back to you, to confirm they’re hearing you, ending with "did I get that right?"
  13. If the receiver didn't get it right, share what they missed
  14. Share the story: We all tell ourselves stories about what’s happening in the world, and we often think those stories are factual. That’s why we use a specific approach called “The story I tell myself about myself” so you can share what you think is happening inside yourself. The most vulnerable, neutralizing way to do this is to share the story you tell yourself about yourself.
  15. It looks like this:
  16. The story I tell myself about myself is that I'm hard to love
  17. This brings your attention inside
  18. At this point (yes, again!), the person you’re clearing the charge echoes the story that you tell yourself, to confirm they’re hearing you.
  19. Share your desired outcome: What do you want? This is your opportunity to share how you wish things were, vs. how they are. This could be for the other person; this could also be for yourself. Most often, it's both.
  20. It might look like: I really want us to be in this together, and right now that would look like finding a moment of joy in our everyday lives -- walking the dog or whistling a tune or making a funny face
  21. It could also look like: I want to be able to hear you express pain around our relationship without taking it personally
  22. At this point (yes, again, again!), the person you’re clearing the charge with should paraphrase what your desired outcome is, to confirm they’re hearing you.
  23. Discover where you align — what can you both say yes to around this? Find something that works for both of you that you can commit to.
  24. Optional: The receiver may share context to clarify what happened — this is not a defense. It's useful only in the case of a misunderstanding. This needs to be done with skill, care, and consideration, otherwise, you can end up with another charge to clear.

Once you’ve followed these steps, you will likely feel relief in having shared with the other person what was causing a charge for you. And now you have a plan to do things differently.

At this point, the other person doesn't respond to the charge. Take a breather. Take a day. If either of you wants to explore what you're feeling on a deeper level, use this framework to work through conflict in a productive way.

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